Monday, April 26, 2010

a win

Something hurt me this morning, and threw me for a loop. I had planned a morning of some much needed dissertation research, and, instead, spent my time flipping through old journals and rifling through my memorabilia box. Remind me to put that box in a less accessible spot when we move into our own place.

I was feeling generally morose at lunchtime and reached for the least satisfying lunch I could imagine. A block of goat's milk mozzarella, cold and pungent. A took a few bites started to feel ill -- no surprise there.

And then, for reasons I can't quite access right now, I got off my bed (yeah, I was eating on the bed), walked upstairs and into the kitchen. Without really thinking, I pulled off the pantry shelf a package of rice noodles, and grabbed a bag of spinach from the fridge. Out came a pot, and I set it to boil. A generous glug of olive oil, a dash each of paprika and cumin went into a skillet. I only used a small portion of the rice noodles, so they were done in all of three minutes.  Into the skillet they went with a few squirts of shoyu sauce, and in the space of 5 minutes, I had made myself a pretty badass lunch. I made an even better version of this meal last week with some fried egg thrown in: it's essentially healthy, nutrient-filled Chinese take-out.

So. Satisfying.

(If there's interest, I'll post the recipe with photos this week.)

As I ate my lunch, I felt the nourishing noodle concoction filling my tummy and realized that I was eating to satisfy my hunger, not flatten my emotions. I realized that I would be able to stop eating when I was no longer hungry and not until the food was gone. I put the leftovers in what strongly resembled a Chinese take-out container -- in fact, it may actually have once contained Chinese take-out -- and knew that when I got hungry for a snack later, it would look seriously appealing in a way that restaurant leftovers usually look (to me, at least).

I'm sure that I will feel the urge to emotionally eat again, and I'm certain that I will at some point or another sense a binge coming on and be unwilling to put up a fight. But today I made the effort to feel better, not worse. Today I chose me.


  1. That sounds delicious! Eating on the bed is a no no! Set the table and share the meal with someone you love. My no no is eating in front of the t.v. when Andrew isn't here.


  2. Well, I don't think I want to be calling it a "no no"... that way of thinking is kinda what got me into this mess in the first place!

  3. Yes, please (re: the recipe).

    Today, I chose me. So profoundly yet simply said. When we chose ourselves, we really chose the world because we are choosing to engage our best selves, to treat our whole selves well, which allows us to go into the world and do what we were meant to do. Today, I chose me. Powerful and profound. Thanks for this story and this reminder.