If compulsive eating is anything, it's a way to leave ourselves when life gets hard. When we don't want to notice what is going on. Compulsive eating is a way we distance ourselves from the way things are when they are not how we want them to be. -- Geneen Roth
Last night, I sought distraction. I watched Stefan watching TV on half the screen with World of Warcraft playing on the other. "Vitality!" shouted an enormously annoying voice from the game. Rubbing salt in the wound. I grabbed bunches of sesame sticks, and mechanically put them into my mouth. They didn't taste very good, but eating them was something to do.
Last night, I needed to press pause. I have felt so many emotions lately that I fear being overwhelmed by them. Hope, energy, and enthusiasm show up for the beginning of the journey, but taking the first step on that path is terrifying. What if this new excitement about beginning again is just a substitute for compulsive eating, only another obsession designed to dull my anxieties about the present moment? What if I fall back to the old, destructive ways of eating foods that force my body to feel the same sluggishness that my mind does? What if I don't love myself enough?
Today is a new day. Annie Dillard reminds us gently that "how we spend our days is how spend our lives." I don't want to spend my days beating back scary feelings with sesame sticks. I want to spend my life embodying and emanating joy. I want to brim with the impulse and energy to create. I am slowly coming to recognize that to create is to express the divinity within us. I want to reconnect with the part of me that is not-me, that which is without emotion and without judgment, that which is all love. That which is -- do I dare to say it? -- God.
I am headed into the shower, ready to embrace a sunny day of untold promise.